What I had dreaded and thought I was on the precipice of for almost five intense years finally happened. Without a diagnosis explaining his condition, my father passed in January. We were very close, and it hit very hard. I am doing my best to be this new version of me in my new life without him that continues to unfold. I've been taking the beautiful sentiments many of you have offered, including my dear friend Lama Lhanang Rinpoche who was present with me just after my father left his body, and listening to the messages you are giving about your experiences of loss with my full being. It is important to allow all the support available in a phase like this. It feels very much like the birthing process.
Physically, while pregnant. the body makes you more open. As the ligaments and tendons become more elastic so does the mind. Many of you may have experienced this as a vulnerability and an emotional and almost inter dimensional awareness. They say around the time of the Day of the Dead the veil between the worlds opens. The death/grieving process feels very similar to me. Intuition is strong, perception is acute and beyond ordinary mental limitations, and the heart is raw.
Like pregnancy, birth, and postpartum, death/grief is a sacred process. It is not to be ignored or shunned because it is too uncomfortable. It is like being churned. There is an image in the Hindu pantheon of the goddess Kali. She is fearsome and scary looking. She represents the power necessary to break through, to overcome adversity, and to transform. She, like the god Shiva, is often referred to as a destroyer. A destroyer of old ways, of the past, of attachments, of aversions. What I never understood until now is that this destruction is born from love. It is a necessary churning, an alchemy in which we are ripped apart to be reconstituted as a new version of ourselves. The phoenix who rises from the ashes.
It is a complex, complicated, yet simple, non linear process. It is a sacred space that holds the potential of transformation, and without forcing or ignoring, I am trying my best to be in it and not overcome by the tendencies of my mind. It has been a struggle, I've had really intense days.
I hope this information is helpful to you. It is part of my experience with it and I find the observations of it being like the birthing process, particularly post partum, and the sacred nature of it to be incredibly helpful. Those two points make it easier for me to accept and sink in to knowing that I'm sinking into something safe, natural, and whole. For those of you who knew my dad or would like to read a bit about him, here is the link to his obituary that I wrote:
https://www.marrafuneralhome.com/obituaries/james-shea-13/#!/Obituary
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